Carports Full of Crap

Funny…trust me, you’ll like this one.

Years ago, in 1999, in an email from my mother, she disclosed her plans for the weekend:

“no time to write right now, but I wanted all of you to know I have been thinking about you and praying for all three of you. I am headed to work. I am going to work for Titanic for the Sat. afternoon matinee. Your dad is going to stay home and clean the carport. If you can believe that. I will write you later to let you know if any progress has been made. Got to go. Talk to you later. Love and hugs MOM”

Knowing that my father is a bona fide horder, I had little faith that he would make a dent in his project. Being ever the pessimistic smart ass with no internal filter, I drafted a response to my mother.

“I can tell by Dad’s own enthusiasm toward the carport that it is his own personal underworld of suffering  As to where most of us would say to the question, “What are you doing this weekend?” I would reply, “Oh, being tied to a whipping post and the life force thrashed from me,” Dad would answer, “Cleaning the carport”. You see, it’s the same for him as endless torture. If you believe there is any truth to the statement, “We create our own suffering,” this is definitely true for Dad’s relationship with the carport.

Years drag into decades and now the next millennium is fast approaching. Will the carport continue to plague the Aldridge family for the next 1000 years? The possibility is scary but painfully likely.

Generations from now, when the history of the world is recorded and historians make their way to the small town of Shannon Hills, the carport of the Aldridge’s will be it’s greatest legacy. With enough metallic and non-ferrous material to shelter the Aldridge home from nuclear fallout and a direct nuclear blast at ground zero, the home will stand as a monument to those that survived the post-apocalyptic nuclear winter which will eventually come one day.

History books will record the keen insight of Melvin Aldridge, whom they will refer to as the “Father of Mankind”. For because of his efforts he and his family were one of the few to survive, and therefore the Aldridges repopulated the once great republic of the United States.

Following his example, the children of the future are taught in school the fundamentals: reading, math, history, wire stripping, and nail straightening. The national anthem will include the words, “waste not, want not.”

And so it is our legacy, nay, our destiny, to be rulers of a great nation, The Salvaged States of America.

God save the King!

Mom got a kick out of the email. Dad…not so much 🙂