The legislative session is over and I’m thinking I need to lighten up a bit and enjoy the summer.
For the last 11 years I have been living in a gender role that is different than the one I spent my first 29 years in. There are understandably a few things that I miss about my old life. I really miss my first name, Justin. I miss being a Dad. Sometimes I even miss being a chauvinistic, misogynistic pig, but karma is a real bitch on that one.
Of all the things I miss, I wouldn’t say I would want to go back to them, but I…well, maybe I would for a few…
- Salesmen: Whether it’s a car, appliance, fetzer valve, or flux capacitor, I know more than the salesman. Regardless, they treat me like an idiot. I struggle to keep from losing my cool in these situations. I did have a relapse in West Town Mall during the Christmas shopping season a few years ago. The kiosk sales people can be very pushy to the point of almost accosting a person as they walk by. I’d had enough one year, as the kiosk operator approached with some exfoliating hand creme. He reached out to grab my hand I turned and drew forth the most manly, grizzled voice I could find. “No!” I barked. R. Lee Ermey and Sgt. Carter would have been proud of my command voice. It had the effect of causing the salesman to wet his pants and perform a perfect about face.
- Grooming: I still remember the days of sleeping until a few minutes before I had to go to work. I could shower, brush my teeth, run some gel through my hair and be ready for work in a few minutes. Nowadays, getting ready in under an hour is miracle worthy of canonization. Makeup looks great on, but it is a pain in the ass to paint my face every day and touch up all day long. Hair? Ha. It takes at least half an hour just to get it dry. After that is done THEN I can commence the styling.
- Pockets: I used to bitch at my wife (now ex-wife) all the time because she could never find her car keys. Oh, they were always in her purse, but it was so full of crap that she could never find them. Every time I go to my car, I now feel guilty. I can never find my damn car keys. They’re always in my purse, but it is so full of crap that I have a hard time finding them. There is something to be said for having everything you need in your wallet and your two front pockets. Men have it easy that way.
- Peeing : You know, there are times when being able to stand to pee can be a good thing. I travel an awful lot in my work. Sometimes the places I stop to relieve myself are kind of nasty. I don’t want to walk across the floor, much less sit on the toilet seat. This is when having male anatomy could be a good thing. I was once stuck in a traffic jam on the interstate in Blytheville, Arkansas for two or three hours. An Aquafina bottle sure can come in handy in those situations if you know how to use it – make that two bottles. It’s not fair though. I keep telling myself I’m going to buy Jaime a SheWee for her birthday.
With all of that conveniences that I’ve given up, I can more appreciate what my mother, sisters, and girlfriends went through daily. Still, I’m sure most women would jump at the chance to have the conveniences of their male counterparts even if only for a day.