I wished I had learned by now that attempting to cry myself to sleep neither makes the head pain go away or helps me fall asleep. I wish I could go to bed and fall asleep for more than a couple hours.
Each night I crawl in bed with heavy eyes, an exhausted body and a crushing pain on the left side of my head. Each morning, I exit the bed with heavy eyes, an exhausted body, a crushing pain on the left side of my head and nausea.
The people around me tell me they understand, but they truly can not. I’m told to take it easy at work then questioned about my low productivity and absence. I’m assured at home that my memory problems are not an issue then I’m berated for forgetting some promised task. I’m tired of being stared at when I cannot walk without aid or I stutter and cannot compose a verbal sentence.
I’m sure this is confusing to many that may see me in passing while I look and feel fine then later question how I could feign such misery and physical disability. To me, this is confusing also. I’m not crippled, at least, I’m not supposed to be.
When I lay down tonight with tears in my eyes, sobbing silently into my pillow, it is no longer because of my physical pain, but rather because I know I’ll start tomorrow no better than today.
Sometimes effort does not matter.