Crappy Holidays!

I started a post last year around Christmas.  For some reason I never got around to publishing it and just now ran across it.  It isn’t finished – but what the hell?  Right?  Remember, this is referring to LAST year.

It’s not like me to be so “humbugish” around Christmas, but this seems to be part of a long, seemingly unending chain of catastrophic events.  Of course this “long, seemingly unending chain” make only encompass two or three events – to me, it’s goes on forever!

Thanksgiving always starts off the season of over-eating and short work weeks.  Jaime and I normally have Thanksgiving at our house.  Living in Maryville, TN, away from our families forced Jaime and I to make our own family to celebrate the holidays with.  In the gay and transgender community, there are countless individuals and couples that have no welcoming family.  These people have no place to spend the holidays.  So, the year that we purchased our home, and every year since, we have tried to have a Thanksgiving and Christmas celebration at our home.

Mind you, this is a lot of work.  We usually have no less than 35 people visit.  I think the record is 60.  Jaime cooks prime rib; I usually deep fry a couple of large turkeys.  By the time everyone is finished eating it is my turn to fix a plate for myself, but I am so tired I can barely lift my fork.  Later, when everyone leaves, Jaime and I go into the kitchen and have a feast of leftovers.  Mmmmmmm…

However, this year, we selfishly decided to go to someone else’s home for Thanksgiving, thereby leaving all our normal guests with no place to share the Thanksgiving.  Jaime and I did feel really bad about it.  Moreover, there was no leftovers to snack on, because they were all in the kitchen of some else’s house.

Not long after Thanksgiving, I started getting moody again.  Such tends to happen when you are a rapid-cycling bipolar.  I know I’m being an ass and I know I’m depressed and I know why, but I just can’t seem to help myself.  Needless to say, I quit my job twice.  Once in November and once in December.  Fortunately my co-workers understand I’m crazy and pretended like nothing ever happened when I came back to work.  I mean really, who is going to hire a 38 year old transsexual computer programmer with no college degree anyway?

Fast forward to last week.  Jaime had to work late and I was too tired to cook.  My son, Xavier and I went to Pancho’s Mexican Restaurant.  Xavier asked for the hottest item on the menu.  He got carne asada steak with grilled onions and shaved habaneros along with a habanero salsa.  Xavier doesn’t like onions so he scraped them onto my plate, along with all of the habaneros shavings.

To say that Xavier was sweating was an understatement.  For myself, I was dying.  I was going between rapid flashes of nausea and sweating to euphoria and back down.  We both took mutual enjoyment of the other’s needless suffering as we wiped away tears and chewed on ice while awaiting drink refills.

When we got home, we were both fairly miserable as we sat down to watch reruns of Top Gear and munch on some Sour Jolly Ranchers.  That’s right MUNCH on Jolly Ranchers.  I’ve always been a person that if something was put in my mouth (to eat), I bite it and chew it.  I swallow my gum; I destroy hard candy.  This time:  ouch!

You see, like a fool, I had cracked a tooth two years ago on a Jolly Rancher.  I had a root canal and a crown installed.  Always careful not to eat on that particular tooth, sometimes I get careless as I did this time.  I bit down on the Jolly Rancher and a sharp pain shot through my mouth.  “Oh, well,” I thought, “I’ll just take it easy on that side of my mouth for a few days.”

The next morning Xavier, called, “Carla!  The garage is full of water.  The water heater is spewing water everywhere.  I tried to shut it off but the water is still pouring out.”

Damn it!

So between trips to the bathroom (from last night’s habanero fest) and a sore tooth Xavier and I tried to fix the water heater.

I’m one of those people that tends to live paycheck to paycheck.  If I had a savings, I would spend it.  It’s a lifestyle I need to change.  Anyway, Jaime bought a new water heater.  Xavier and I put it in and used the infamous soup cans for CO venting.

At this point, I have hot water, but my mouth is really killing me.  I started with the anbesol liquid and suffered on.

By Friday I was dying, and you could tell.  Each time I ate a bite of food lightning would shoot through my tooth and all the way down to my asshole.  Breathing in and out was just as painful.  I tried to hold my breath but that didn’t last long.

Had I continued writing I would have gone on to explain how I received a killer Christmas bonus that paid for the water heater, and a dental implant.  I would have further lamented how it totally sucked that I didn’t get to use the bonus for something frivolous and temporary with no lasting value and conceeding no appreciation for having a new water heater and implant.  I wanted toys!  Damn it!

Because I’m married to Mrs. Claus I did get very surprised.  Ms. Claus took really good care of me last Christmas: Kindle, Meade 14″ LX200 GPS telescope, and a Trek hybrid bike.  I like Ms. Claus.

1 Comment

  1. Carol Ann Stutte

    Wow, you said a mouth full. What a holiday adventure. I just want you to know that after dinner last night and you passing out jolly ranchers for all of us, I will now associate the ranchers with colorful long tongues! I may be scarred now.

    Reply

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